This may be my only entry I do in here, but I need to get something out of me. Today I feel like shit. Why? you ask. Well, I kissed my first guy last night.

I didn't enjoy it, and I was scared of where it might lead. I felt trapped with no escape and ended up finally getting a chance to sneak away never to go back.

The kiss was hard and felt weird. The tongue was raspy and there was no 'feeling' there at all. It felt closed and tight with penetration into my body seeming to be the main focus. It didn't feel alive and delicate and sensual, and though there was moisture there it felt dead like a dry sock or like the way it felt when I kissed my dog goodbye after he had died

I could feel the passion/wanting in him and that he must have felt so high that this was happening. And i felt so bad because my fellings, well, there just wasn't any there. I felt like a cock tease and that I was playing with his emotions and I was so frightend of what I had done and how I was going to get out of it. What made it worse was that I had the controlling hand in the begining and I'm the one that started the kiss off.

I spose now is as good a time as any to mention that I am also a guy.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not gay, I am as straight as can be, and I will also state for the record that I would not have any trouble kissing a guy again -tho I now know that I will not feel anything from it and it would just be for show because I can.

See the story starts like this...

I was invited to a gay party from a guy I worked with (who is of course gay) and I had once mentioned to a girl friend of his and mine that I had thought about kissing him and don't know why. I understood that there would be a few people from work at this party that I could mix with and was looking forward to a good time. Getting to the party There was only one person from work that had showed up and I knew no one else apart from him and that girl friend of ours Lexi (who stayed with the gay guys all night cos they are all her 'crew'). I had three guys hit on me and felt that basically most others were in some way interested. The guy I had thought about kissing was hanging around alot and getting lots of photo's with me and we hugged and I was getting occasinal kisses on the cheek from guys. I didn't mind as I had lead the notion of me beign BI for the last 3years and it really didnt phase me. I even kinda liked the fact that so many people were so interested in me and thought I was cute. People I thought myself where good looking and stylish.

Later in the party Lexi came up to me and said that Micheal (the gay guy everyone knows cos hes a real nice guy and pretty 'hot' too - looks wise - I can add) really liked me and thought I was cute and "wants to hook up, so yea, he's there if you want to". I thought it could be an interesting oppurtunity to see what it was like as I had thought about it the last 3years but never knew a guy crazy enough like me to go through with it. Some how I got onto the dance floor ( I think Scott pulled me in) ...the guy I had thought about kissing, and then ended paired off dancing with Micheal. Next thing I remeber we were face to face I looked at him and leaned in to kiss.

now right from the first touch I knew this wasn't for me -It just felt so different to the softness of a girl. I couldn't get int the mood of it at all and found myself imagining hooking up with a chick which just wouldn't work no matter how much I thought about it cos it honestly felt so different I just couldn't make my body believe it was a girl.

After that he was fully addicted to me and all the other guys were congratulating him and asking if I was a good kisser etc etc. i found myself litteraly attached to him for the next hour with countless further hook ups and dirty dancing - I didnt really want to but I really couldn't bring myself to embarrass him or hurt him so went along with it - trapped as I said.

I finally had a chance to break the lock and flee when I drove them in to a gay club (where in the car not only was he holding my hand but starting to get close to my man parts). So worried to where this was going to end out and worried about how many other guys might try to get with me in the club I dropped them off and said I was going in to the other clubs to find a freind and bring him back later on once those clubs had closed [and I had got with a chick] (which was the original plan if my friend hadn't gone home).
I went in to the other clubs and did not return and for the first time in years turned my cellphone off -totally unreachable.

The plan was to find a chick and hook up, and god last night was the night of my whole life that I really needed to. I felt stale and alone to myself in the clubs and was too shy as usually to interact with others and like always lived in the dream of a chick just coming up to me and getting it all started -which of course just does not happen (well it has once before but that's another story).

I went for a walk along the river reflecting on my life and one person in particular who has had controll of it for the last 5years. My chapter of her in my life has subdued me from getting involved with another girl (or anyone) for these years. I loved Lynaire for 6months before I got to go out with her, I was with her for the best 2 years 4months of my life and I have loved her and missed her dearly since. I have not seen her or had anything to do with her for the last 2years but she lives in me every day.

It was leaving her (another long story) that brough rise to me claiming to be Bi -mainly as a defense to keep other girls away and to stop me falling for any. For a while there I almost made myself believe I was gay. All along I really knew I was as straight as they come, but it was the girl aspect of my life that hurt the most and if I could rid myself of it I thought my life could be free. I am open minded and always said that If I really felt something for someone then it wouldn't matter me what sex or colour they are, but now I'm certain that person will never be a guy. And from what the last 2years have shown it may not be another girl either.

I was born alone, have been alone all my life, and I will leave it alone.

The pain I fell today is for the emotional toying and possible embarassment/rejection I put Micheal through, the disapointment and disgust in me (especially through Lynaire's and Boxer's (my lost friend/dog/brothers') eyes, my self lonleyness, and as always, the loss of my life with Lynaire.

I left there alone amongst light of the rising sun, a little wiser knowing for sure more who I am -but none the less still alone and hence still in pain.

I don't like taking part in causing pain, I wish not to hurt anybody. There is enough in this world as it is.